State of Mind

Cross-posted at THIS IS NOT MY COUNTRY

To regular readers of this blog, people who know me and anyone who cares,

Over the last couple of months I have promised posts that have not appeared or have been a long time in coming. For that I apologise but I also want to explain what is going on. I have been very scattered in my thinking/blogging these days and my real life has been the same. We have to move house in the very near future. I know that it doesn’t sound like a very big deal but it really is, on a personal level.

I have moved many, many times before so I should, in theory, be taking this in my stride but the older I get, the more difficult it has become. Having invested so much time and effort into our home and more significantly (to me) in our garden, I am terribly sad to be leaving it. Also, for those who know me in real life, we will be leaving something that is very important to us in our creative life.

I am, on the one hand, excited to be moving. New house. New beginnings. A decent bathroom ! On the other side, I am leaving a garden that I so lovingly made out of nothing. I am leaving plants that I nutured and struggled with. I am leaving the jasmine that I planted in the memory of my mother-in-law. I am leaving the soil that I dug and fed and tried to bring to life. I have a strong attachment to this tiny patch of land.

But it’s not just the plants. I can grow more. I can even take some with me for the new place. It’s also the memories. The overwhelming nostalgia. Our very good friends used to live upstairs. They have now moved a long way from us and that is part of why we are having to leave too. Our kids grew up together. Those three boys (my one and their two) have all peed on the lemon trees. They have all fallen out of their branches. Their basketball/footballs have smashed various windows and flowerpots. Their screaming and silliness have got on our nerves. Their bikes have crashed into walls and been left out in the rain (much to our annoyance). Their laughter has filled our ears so that they are still ringing.

The memories are strong, almost overwhelming. The parties, the barbecues, the late night music sessions, the impromptu coffees in the sun, the “I have a few sausages and potatoes, you have some salad and bread, why don’t we pool our resources and eat together?”

I know there will be new memories. Good ones. Great ones. And our lives have already changed, in that we and many of our great friends have moved away , got real jobs, different commitments and all that that entails.

That we are all getting older is a fact. And I am not so worried about that as I was when I turned 40. What I want to say is that I treasure the memories that I have of this place and of all of you that made those memories. I am just having a hard time letting go…

So deep breath… here’s to a new era. And new memories. And bear with me if I’m a bit wobbly for a while…


~ by deviousdiva on February 9, 2007.

4 Responses to “State of Mind”

  1. diva–this is beautiful. it speaks to something I understand so well. When we moved out of our teeny tiny one bedroom apartment a long time ago, I cried and cried–the neighbor lady made our lives miserable, the place was disgusting and unsafe, we were a family of three living in a one bedroom that was so small all we had was a bedroom sitting room and kitchenette. but it was the same place I was pregnant and the same place I took my baby home for the first time. It was where we became a family. so I cried and cried and cried–and then got into a huge fight with W* because *he* didn’t cry and cry and cry.

    thinking of you and your new era–
    much love

  2. best of luck…

    and indeed, it’s rarely the actual structure that inspires the homesickness. it’s a shame you can’t take the garden with, but what a gift for the next people to live there.

  3. Thank you for your kind words, bfp and sly civilian. It means a lot that friends are looking out for you and thinking of you.

  4. Sorry I have not been around for a while DD, am more or less back to normal now… It is a wrench to leave behind something that one has created, and I understand that; but ther is the positive side which is the enjoyment of creating anew…

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